Feeling Stronger

 

Four years ago I was studying for my degree in Quality Management. I also had a job where I was getting training for a senior manager. I really wanted everything to work out as I had struggled to get to University. Being from an Asian background, part of my family didn’t want me to study for higher education, but I convinced my family that I would make them proud and come out with qualifications which would be with me all my life.

 

I met someone when I was in my first year and decided to tell my parents so we could get their blessings, as we were both Muslims. No one in my family had a love marriage and I knew it would be really hard to convince my parents. I told my Mum first, she started shouting and told me I could never marry my boyfriend. She told me if I married him my parents’ marriage would end.

 

I didn’t understand what my mum was saying to me, she said it was against our religion and culture, which was not true. Islam is not against love marriages, however it is up to the parents to give their blessings. I didn’t know what I was going to do.

 

After two months my parents decided to take me to Pakistan to get me married to my cousin. I couldn’t fight with all my Uncles and Aunties. I had to give up.

 

I got married for my parents’ sake, but I wasn’t happy at all, so I decided to tell my husband I couldn’t pretend to him. I had no feelings for him. I missed my boyfriend and contacted him. We both decided I would get a divorce. I told my husband and he was very understanding, I travelled back to England and my husband was stayed in Pakistan. He said once he got to England he would help me obtain a divorce.

 

I was working at the time for his Visa. He came over after a year and he completely changed. He said he would never give me a divorce. He was always making fun of me and hurting me and saying how I had failed in life.

 

My parents found out that I wasn’t getting on with my husband; we both were living in their house, so they decided I should stop working. I had to sell my car and just stay at home. I wasn’t allowed to meet my friends. If I wanted to go out I had to go with my sister-in-law. I couldn’t take it. I was suffering, arguing all the time with my husband and my parents was making me mentally ill. My husband started to hit me, and my parents joined him.

 

I remember that day, it was my 22^nd birthday. I'd had enough; I begged my Dad to kill me and told him that I didn’t want to live with my husband. My Dad turned back to me and said he would never let me go, and how he cared for my husband as he was his sister’s son. I cried and cried on my own, and thought there was no point to life. I took an overdose, but I was sick all night. I contacted my boyfriend and told him to save me.

My boyfriend was very supportive. He found me a place to live, but my parents found out and threatened to kill us both. From there I knew I had to do something and fight for myself. I really wanted to speak to someone so I rang up social services. The woman I spoke to wasn’t that helpful, as I had nowhere to live or had no money, I wanted to stay somewhere. I asked her if there was such a place she gave me the number for shelter groups and said it would be mixed and I would be sharing with ten people.

 

I really felt upset. I didn’t want to be around men. If my family tried to find me and saw me living with men I would have been killed straight away, that’s what happens in the Pakistani culture. I would have been given a bad name. Then I got the number for Muslim sisters, which was in London. I explained the situation to the woman and she said it would be best if I rang the domestic violence helpline

 

I rang up the Manchester Helpline. I was so scared when I was talking to the woman on the other side. I kept thinking what if she rang my parents and told them where I was. I was scared to give my name but she assured me that it would be kept confidential. She was really helpful and helped me to find a room in a Refuge. At the time I was talking to her, I was asking “what is a Refuge? Is it mixed? I didn’t want to go anywhere with men. She explained to me that they were just for women and children.

 

When I arrived at the refuge I had nothing with me, just the clothes I was wearing and a few things my friend and boyfriend gave me. I felt relaxed, however I kept telling the workers please don’t tell my parents where I was, but the worker explained that everything about me would be kept confidential. I couldn’t believe how these people I didn’t know were so caring and friendly. I settled and felt safe. I spoke to Support Workers every day; they listened to me and helped me to get through a really bad week. 

 

There is always someone to talk to. I have now applied for a divorce and am looking forward to moving on, but if I hadn’t come here I don’t know where I would have been. My life and my boyfriend’s life were in danger, but my parents and my husband can never find me. I know I have come out from the worst and have started to respect my life again. I am really grateful to everyone at the Refuge as they have respected my feelings, which no one in my family has ever done. I feel secure in myself and feel much stronger by myself.